(I have been trying to finish this one since early August, I hope it’s not too disjointed)
I keep having one of those daydream shorts. You know the kind in which your escape is the length of a blink but wide enough in some other dimension to make your chest swell and your face blush. The end coincides with the opening of your eyes and a deep audible exhale.
The moment resonates: I am laying with this guy (sorry, no names). Outside, on a hammock. It’s the beginning of Fall. We are staring into each others’ eyes. Then I turn my head to look up at the sun light peeking through the trees.
That’s it. Really simple. Just a moment that, notably, did not happen in real life. OH, DAYDREAM!!
I don’t necessarily want to talk about the daydream and I want to talk about the real life thing that the daydream comes from.
*I don’t really share experiences that fall under, around, or can be confused for the category of “love life.” It’s been a while since I’ve been in love. I have definitely been in jeopardy of falling, but if there is one thing that I try to control it’s my heart. Futile. I agree. Stupid. Yes. My list of excuses for it will have to occupy another post.
**So part of the reason I don’t share experiences is because it is rare that I allow for there to be experiences to share. Another part is that I am private (Very Private) when it comes to feelings, emotions, etc. It’s my way of balancing out the fact that I really do wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s one way that I try to feel protected somehow.
But this one is kinda cool and worth sharing…in the sense that I realized that I am not the only person to have this sort of experience. It’s sweet to an extent. The extent to which it isn’t sweet is not important, at least not now. So here goes (yes, I am encouraging myself right here)…
The whole thing can really be summed up from a line in the song “Brandy Alexander” by Feist. Actually the whole song fits pretty well, but I digress. “You go down easy”…NO THIS IS NOT A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. This line has two meanings. 1) He (figuratively) went down easy like my favorite drink (hence the song title) and 2) I went down easy (like I am a sucker for eyes and dimples and he had some of the best I have ever seen).
Aspects of his personality fit well with where I was in life at the time. I needed a distraction and he had no problem having my attention. I didn’t want to work to open up and his slight of hand approach took over doing what work was worth being done. I wanted to hear certain things and he had a way with words. It worked out very well.
No demands. No expectations. No requirements. No rules.
All of those “No’s” can bite someone in the butt…BUT I am discussing the daydream.
Train of thought…train of thought…Yes. “You go down easy.”
He was unmistakably human. I remember those moments when I saw some part of him that most people miss. You know, that hint of frailty. Or the depth and intelligence that was often overlooked. That genuinely sweet gesture. The need to make the people around him feel secure:
The one thing I saw that put this guy into daydream format was this look in his eyes. There were these moments when, all of sudden, out of no where, his eyes said “I am right here, right now, 100%.” DANGER! Alarms would go off in my head. I would immediately have to go into sabotage mode. Sorry, sir, all woman kind depends on me not falling for that right there. I would have to be tough and contained until I could get out of his presence. I am sure most women understand the fact that if I had allowed myself to live right there in those eyes, I would have been in total jeopardy of all out falling in L O V E! Who needs that? (refer to starred paragraphs)
But those glances, or sometimes long stares, were enough to have made a permanent impression on my brain. So all of sudden, I am feeling stressed out and overwhelmed, and drained and exhausted. I am sitting at my desk at work. I am listening to “Brandy Alexander”–“though I’d like to be the girl for him…I’m walking on needles and pins, my addiction to the worst of him…” at this point I am replaying our interactions in my head, (good, bad, ugly, high and low) and before I know it “You go down easy…” and I am there in this moment that never happened except for that look. The mix between the safety and sweetness of that glance somehow managed to make it into my mind’s escape.
Psychologically, it could be so many things. My way of having something that I have otherwise not allowed myself to have. Some representation of peace coming from a situation that had not asked anything of me. I don’t know. And I honestly doubt it’s that deep. Maybe, for a dreamer, it’s just a way to re-enjoy a moment that was once real without the perceived consequences of taking things any further.