“I can’t keep fighting silence while hiding from my blues”- Jan 10, 2012
I have NO idea what I was exactly getting at with this note. What does that thought mean to me today?
Silence. I do not like talking feelings. It’s not that I think it’s pointless. It’s that I don’t like vulnerability. I don’t like giving someone personal information that they can choose to do what they wish with. It’s like saying “Here is my heart, do with it as you please”. I think I have posted on why I have chosen silence in the past so I won’t get into it. (click link if you are burning up with curiosity http://wp.me/p1o7aa-1V)
Blues. The blues is, well, the blues. The “shit happens” part when no matter how much you can rationalize how small of a deal something is, you FEEL some kind of way about that something. Like feeling blue because, as excited as it is to see a child grow, part of you is practically distraught over the fact that the days of tiny fingers and baby booties for that child are long gone. Sometimes blue is just because you are struggling with something that should be easy; you keep working at it, but why is it taking so long. Point is there are lots of feelings for lots of reasons that we can call the blues. OOOOH ONE MORE: sometimes blue is because your dreams are coming true right before your eyes and, for some reason, you feel overwhelmed when you should be elated.
Fighting silence. If you are down about something or some things, it is helpful to get it off your chest, even if off your chest is to some who you are comfortable talking to but who is not directly associated to your “things.” BUT quite often off your chest does mean talking to the persons who are associated with your “things”. It’s so logical, yet my actions rarely reflect my agreement with this. So I end up being at all out war with myself and my desire to remain silent.
Hiding from blues. One mechanism that I often employ to deal with hurt, sadness, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, insecurities…The way that I often deal with my blues is to act like I am not feeling them. This is both unrealistic and slightly hilarious in the context of adulthood. I am literally an emotional person by nature, yet I often play hide-and-go-seek with my emotions. You know that really faulty idea of hiding we all had at some point as a child? If I can’t see them then they can’t see me. (*I chuckle*) As an adult and as a scientist and a mother, I know that it is very much the case that someone can see you even if you can’t see them. Emotions work in much the same way, especially when you choose to hide as rather than face them and change them or deal with them and let them go. You can hide behind anything, they will see you. (representing inanimate objects/ideas as animate–what is the word for this English students?)
BRINGING IT IN. (Let’s see if I can do this in one sentence.) There is futility in trying reveal something that you do not acknowledge exists. It does no good to work toward communicating emotions that I am running away from. (OK two sentences)
I can’t keep fighting silence while hiding from my blues. Does it make sense now? So maybe this is what I was getting at back in January. If not, it still looks like a lesson to me. [AND CLOSES CURTAIN ON CHEESY YET POSITIVE POST]
[PS: I could walk around in a shirt that says EMOTIONAL INTELLECTUAL and not many people would argue my point]