"Sigh" moment (Bad) / "Sigh" moment (Good)

love (less) life

when it comes to the idea of having a love life, i get discouraged easily.  for a number of reasons.  i’ll list a couple:  1) personality (actually kinda shy) 2) it’s maybe been a few years since the idea of a real love life entered my mind 3) i am so so so so happy with my life right now that i don’t want to make this mistake of choosing the wrong person to have in it.  So i am writing a poem. Half-assed maybe and maybe drowning in overtones of self-protection.  Maybe waiting for a reason.

i lay in my bed listening to the millions of rain drops falling against my windows

the sound echoes in my heart

caverns long left empty resonate with each drip


i feel tired and exhausted and drained

and for some reason notice that i sleep on just one side of my bed

so as tired and as exhausted and as drained as i feel

i still occupy space as if someone else is supposed to be there

but my bed does not feel empty

i do not feel some longing for the heat of another arm

or another foot

i do not long for the beat of another heart

i breathe and close my eyes

i try to think of why such longings have escaped me

i told myself that i don’t have time for heart break

so just leave it all alone

i have told myself that i am too busy

i have asked myself who would understand enough to stay

and as i catch myself rambling

as i sense myself feeling angry with myself

and hurt that i have chosen dreams over the warmth of another body

i realize that i do long

to inhale the scent of a man

to watch the light of sunrise as it falls against his morning skin

to hear a heart beat other than my own

but my longings are half-hearted

they are only fantasy

for between my logic, logistics, and priorities

i have said “not now”

and because “not now” has lasted so long

it really means i don’t know

and i really don’t know

because i am not sure of who he is

and not knowing who he is

is not knowing whether he exists

and because i don’t know if he exists

i don’t know that i will ever long for anyone

for longer than the time it takes for me to turn away from

that empty other side of my bed


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