"Sigh" moment (Bad) / "Sigh" moment (Good) / blues / Mommyhood / PhD me

“i don’t know if i can do this”

“it can feel like a long, miserable, lonely road.  even though you have people supporting you.  they can’t do it for you.  if they could they would but they can’t.  and that means that even with all the support some parts of it are very, very lonely”

this was said to me as i stood in front of a friend, eyes filled with tears, and almost biting my tongue in an effort to keep those tears from falling down my face.  i told him that i felt like it was too much to bear.  i was telling the whole truth of that moment.  for the last couple months i have been in an almost reeling state.  the notion of being close to finishing my degree program.  all of the pressure, months at time of getting only a few hours of sleep over the course of a week, the highs and lows, just everything.  i felt overwhelmed.

and alone.

“it just feels like it is too much to bear”  i can still hear my voice tremble.  i can still feel the sting from holding back the flood of tears.  the rain started falling and my skin was so hot from holding everything in that the rain felt like ice.

i told him that i knew that i could bear it, but that it just felt like it was too much too bear.  i remember saying that i was trying so hard to draw on the love and support of the people around me, but that lately it’s been really hard.

i have had those “i don’t know if i can do this” moments before and i have always pressed through them.  that’s one of the things that graduate school is about.  that is how you grow more confident and more capable.  stronger.  that’s life PERIOD.

this time wore on me a little more.  i have been doing this for years.  and i have a couple more years to go.  this one hit while i was missing my great grandfather and wishing i could share this with him.  this one hit while i was terribly emotional about my baby turning five.  this one hit while i was having to think long and hard about my work and what i want to do with this degree.  just so i don’t have to go into all of the details, this one hit at a highly sensitive time to say the least.

so i have been allowing myself to cry a lot.  and i’ve been praying a lot.  when she visits, i’ve been laying my head on my mother’s shoulder when she isn’t noticing.  i’ve been laying in bed with my son and talking to him a little bit longer in the mornings.  and i’ve shared a little more of what i’ve been feeling with my friends.

so tonight, i am sitting in my bed.  with a stack of research articles to read and an outline to write.  knowing i have to keep going until the feeling subsides.  knowing that i am almost there.  i decided to read my old post i put on this blog about my love of Science.  that helps.

i don’t have a gooey, sappy resolve to this post.  i just know that i love what i do.  and what i do is difficult.  but anything worth having is worth working for.  it’s not meant to feel good all of the time.

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