"Sigh" moment (Good) / blues / PhD me

I Don’t Want to Be a Hero

i was supposed to be working on some science stuff.  instead, i came across this journal entry of mine from October 13, 2010.  this is why i have a blog and why i try to write consistently about my life.  it gives me a chance to see what i have made it through.  when i wrote this i was working on a qualifying exam, taking midterm exams for three classes, and God knows what else.  i was waking up at seven A.M.  and going to sleep at five A.M. the next day.  i felt miserable. clearly based on the first few lines, i was being a little dramatic.

i passed those classes and that qual exam.  something to think about.  a lot to be thankful for.  considering last night’s post “i don’t know if i can do this”, it’s perfect timing to come across evidence that i can make it through what i dealing with this time. 

I Don’t Want to Be a Hero

I don’t want to be a hero
Holding up the world
Walking around as if I can do it all

I tell myself that I can make it
That I can stand here on my own
Because that’s what I have to do
When I look around and I see no one

And just when I think that I can’t make it

At times, as I walk this journey, I feel completely alone.  Not in the way of thinking no one is there for me.  Or in the way of thinking I have no one to go to.  I just find myself sometimes, wandering through my mind without a companion to call me out of it.  Problems, worries, and concerns consume my thoughts and working through a maybe situation takes precedence over the present moments.  I keep getting drawn deeper and deeper into revisits with my past and its effects.

I feel completely lonely in the times that I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling because I cannot sleep.   My eyes trace the the lines of wall meeting wall and of shadow meeting light.

I feel selfish and ungrateful because I find myself thinking of how much further I have to go and I cry.  When I think of all I have to be thankful for, I still feel lonely, because it seems that no one can understand even my tears of joy.

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