i was supposed to be working on some science stuff. instead, i came across this journal entry of mine from October 13, 2010. this is why i have a blog and why i try to write consistently about my life. it gives me a chance to see what i have made it through. when i wrote this i was working on a qualifying exam, taking midterm exams for three classes, and God knows what else. i was waking up at seven A.M. and going to sleep at five A.M. the next day. i felt miserable. clearly based on the first few lines, i was being a little dramatic.
i passed those classes and that qual exam. something to think about. a lot to be thankful for. considering last night’s post “i don’t know if i can do this”, it’s perfect timing to come across evidence that i can make it through what i dealing with this time.
I Don’t Want to Be a Hero
I don’t want to be a hero
Holding up the world
Walking around as if I can do it all
I tell myself that I can make it
That I can stand here on my own
Because that’s what I have to do
When I look around and I see no one
And just when I think that I can’t make it
At times, as I walk this journey, I feel completely alone. Not in the way of thinking no one is there for me. Or in the way of thinking I have no one to go to. I just find myself sometimes, wandering through my mind without a companion to call me out of it. Problems, worries, and concerns consume my thoughts and working through a maybe situation takes precedence over the present moments. I keep getting drawn deeper and deeper into revisits with my past and its effects.
I feel completely lonely in the times that I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling because I cannot sleep. My eyes trace the the lines of wall meeting wall and of shadow meeting light.
I feel selfish and ungrateful because I find myself thinking of how much further I have to go and I cry. When I think of all I have to be thankful for, I still feel lonely, because it seems that no one can understand even my tears of joy.