Close my eyes

written Oct 2010

Close my eyes

(Note: Inspired by a recurring dream. Don’t ask me what it means, I am avoiding the obvious.)

I’ll close my eyes so I can tell you just how I feel
To paint a clearer picture of the state of my heart…

A dark sea
With the deepest shades of blue and gray
The surface light grows smaller and smaller as I drift downward
At peace, I watch the darkness close in
I can feel my chest rise and fall as I breathe
The water in my lungs is refreshing
As if air would suffocate me
The cold water begins to feel warm and welcoming
I tell myself I am ready to give up and give in
To let go
I close my eyes and see only moments that have already come and gone
I realize that my heart no longer longs for them back
They are gone
It feels like the aches are going away as I feel the water over my face
In my hair, on the back of my neck
The tingling my lips felt for longing to kiss you
Now has the sensation of shards of ice
I feel my cheeks lose their glow
The flushes of a blushing girl are a long forgotten feeling
I see the the light of the surface, now a dot as a star in the darkest night sky
And I remember
I look at my hands, and feel my fingertips ache for air
And I remember
I feel electricity running from my limbs into my lower back
And I remember
I close my eyes and see the sun rising and setting
The moon piercing midnight
And I remember I am drowning
The once comforting water is now an unbearable pressure
Compressing my heart and lungs
My chest fights against it
I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to give in
I can’t let go
I push from inside and reach with my hands
And I can feel myself stretching toward the surface
I reach…and push and reach…and push
The water feels like hands pulling against my charge
My brain is screaming for air
Telling my heart not to give up
My chest still pressing outward
I can feel tears swell in my eyes, their burn is refreshing
I can sense the life coming back into my face
I know I am almost there
My hands finally break the surface
And even as waves of water, like hands, wrap around my arm
I still reach
Against their dragging force
I reach
I can feel my finger tips inhale
And I remember the moments they inhaled you
In every touch of your skin
And I can feel again those aches that remind me I am alive
And I can feel those moments when my cheeks flushed with warm blood
As I immediately recall moments and memories and hopes
My face breaks the surface and my chest opens up to draw in air
I feel like I am taking flight
As the last palm of water reaches for my foot
And I look down and see the deep recesses of my mind
That kept me trapped
The parts of me that didn’t understand
That didn’t want to deal with it
That didn’t want to admit that my heart had been touched and now wanted more
No longer relying on the ease of loneliness
I could not give up, give in, or let go
I no longer want to drown

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