Journal Entry: Stream of Thought 10.09.12

i think the title is self-explanatory

i am sitting at my computer beside a stack of papers. twitter is my current fascination rather than the prospect of a moment of clarity about my data being buried somewhere in the tens of journal articles to my left. i have a tension headache and i am cold. when i look up from my computer i see a wall of bricks painted over repeatedly through the years with the resulting color being a dirty cream with hints of dingy mint green in the cracks. i am avoiding coffee today. instead, i have convinced myself to consume one of those super green smoothies that you can buy from the grocery store. a more productive source of energy, i suppose. either way, i have this tension headache. it’s hovering right around the base of my head. the origin is clearly my neck. i have a reminder on the wall telling me to “breathe deeply.” fine.

i feel like my dreams are bubbling up out of the muck that is my collection of long abandoned fantasies and hopes and desires and…dreams. this should feel euphoric. i should be completely overwhelmed by joy. my dreams are being released from my entrenched mind. as if my soul never let them go. so i should feel euphoric. instead i feel like i’m in a holding pattern. a melancholy-drenched holding pattern. when will i take off? when will i fly away? when will i feel in control of my comings and goings, my highs and my lows? patience. positivity. deep breathing. more green vegetables. less fried food.

i want to lose five (5) pounds. i’m still small based on the opinions of these two women who are a little bigger than me and who feel that it is their God-given right to “pick” on me and “point out” that i’m skinny. i still want to lose 5 pounds. i grew those hips that i wanted so badly when i was in my early twenties. i don’t want to lose those. i just want my early twenties abs back. i want the abs and the hips. i want to feel energetic. so i guess i shouldn’t say that i want to lose 5 pounds. i want to get in shape. and keep my hips.

i wonder what would be the benefit of letting go. you know, paying my bills and stuff, but letting go. sort of saying “oh well, this will happen if it’s meant to happen. everything has it’s time. press forward. be grateful.” whenever i get halfway through writing something i hit this wall. this elastic wall. if i push against it, i feel as if i can go further. it just takes so much work. moving past this wall…that is internal. if it were external, i think that i would just find a way around it. that simple. but it’s internal. it comes from me: my self-judgements, my insecurities, my own limits and boundaries. i should smile more often. life is actually great.

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